[Sunday, November 8th, 2009] Hey friends. My mind is unsettled and and under a lot of distress and that has contributed to me having a stream of nightmares night after night. The night before last I dreamt that I was a blonde hair blue eyed 12 year old who has been raped repeatedly by this old man in his 50's/60's. He had taken pictures of me and posted them over the internet and people were clicking on them all over. In the dream I was in my bedroom with my sister hanging out and the whole time I wanted to tell her what happened but couldn't, and then the dream would just to a replay of the rape over and over again in my head. Last night I dreamt that I was at my parents' house. I had woken up in the morning and climbed out the bedroom window and was taking picture of the backyard with my cell phone. There were these large birds that are pelicans but tucan coloured and beautiful foliage. I was focussing on one part of this tree that had beautiful orange leaves right beside a fully blooming cherry blossom tree but couldn't focus in on the right area. Still looking into the screen and moving the camera around until I got the right picture...I focussed in on my sister and she was putting her head into a noose she made out of cords. I watched her hang herself through my camera and then climbed back into my room through the window and shut the curtains from the gruesome view just in time as my mother woke up and walked into the room to wish me good morning. I told her to not open the curtains and went straight into my parents' bedroom and climbed onto the bed to shake my dad awake gently. I told him that Michelle had hung herself and that I haven't told mom and that I don't know what to do and how to deal with it. The dream went on from there and it didn't get any better. Don't Panic

[Thursday, November 5th, 2009] [ mood | excited ] Booked a trip yesterday. Mexico Cancun in 10 days! 4 star hotel! All inclusive (food and booze!) 7 nights! Whitest beach! Bluest water! Flight, accomodation, food, drinks, shuttle bus, taxes.... $780. Ohhhh yeah. Don't Panic

[Friday, August 7th, 2009] [ mood | full ] [ music | Ladyhawk - I Don't Always Know What You're Saying ] So I ordered my medical corset today and I am SO. EXCITED. I've been doing a lot of retail therapy that's been draining my bank account but it's helping in that temporary way that it's kind of worth it. Retail wise I've spent around...$800 in the past week. Holy shit. I really shouldn't have just calculated that out. So let me tell you about this corset. I chose to do an underbust. It has metal busks on the front and laces in the back. It's going to be made out of white PVC and it's going to have a couple of forceps attached to it. It's also got two buckles at the end of the corset for if I was to attach garter straps for stockings etc. Here's the best part. I tried on a corset of the same pattern just for sizing and Jenni from Deadly Couture cinched my waist to a fricken 24"!!! IT FELT SO GOOD. IT LOOKS SO GOOD. I CANNOT WAIT. It'll be made in about 5 weeks :3 AND IN 5 WEEKS, I'll be ordering some latex. Ohhhh yeaahhhh. I'm listening to Ladyhawk right now. They're a Vancouver based band that I've seen live and really liked. Here's their album Shots if you just want to download and give it a listen: http://www.mediafire.com/?zkto5zu4t3y It's good stuff I promise! Don't Panic

[Friday, July 24th, 2009] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Wizard - PLASTIC WORD ] I went and tried on one swimsuit today and then proceeded to eat all you can eat curry after out of sadness lol. I will most likely go back and buy it because it was cute and I really want to hang around pools and stuff. I don't know anyone with a pool though. I'll find ways to get near water once I buy it. And I did something that pretty much guaranteed my ticket to hell. But I can't tell you guys what it is!!! I was going to but it would be TMI and also I'm pretty sure the other person involved would want that info private as well. Kiss and tell, kiss and tell. The lantern festival 'Illuminares' is tomorrow. Fuck. Yes. It is one of the best festivals in Vancouver, and this year it's going to be amazing because it's the 20th anniversary. Time to visit the Trout House :3 I am still pretty much MIA. I've flaked out on every plan this month (except for one!!! I went dancing with James at the Odyssey!) even with the best of friends. I keep telling myself that I need to get out there and make new friends or stay in touch with old ones and have fun but then I just find myself back in bed, trying to sleep at 6PM. So Pride is coming up. I get so fucking excited about Pride it's not even funny. At the same time I get a little sad because I feel sort of left out as well. My short-term goals (like doing the laundry that I haven't touched in a month literally) haven't been reached. The only thing I've done in over three weeks was to get a photo printed and then ordered custom frames for it. That cost me around $300. I'm really letting myself down these days lol. At least right now in this moment I can kind of laugh at myself. Don't Panic

boo. [Tuesday, July 21st, 2009] [ mood | determined ] [ music | none ] Hi. This is your resident poo-head who goes MIA all the time now. It's been three weeks of nothingness. I did absolutely nothing other than eat fast food everyday and now that I've finally typed that out, I am disgusted. I always had to wait until I hit rock bottom to finally up start things again and I guess today's the day hey guys? Yeah I wrote a list at work about all the things I'm going to focus on and I'm really stoked. I always make lists. They get made, folded and then forgotten most of the time. I have a good feeling about this one however. There is no stoppign me from doing the best that I could this year. I guess I didn't mention that I went to sign up for college starting September but then was sadly informed that enrollment was full just the day before (for the specific program I wanted to be in). I missed it by one day! I am trying to not act too disappointed. Even though I feel that I am finally ready to go back to school, there has to be a reason that I'm not. That reason being that this year I'm going to really challange myself and do things for myself. I shall learn to love and focus on myself first before I dedicate myself to other things. I think that's what I need to do. That way, when the time comes, I can fully emerse myself in what needs to be done and not lose myself on the way. Sounds good I think. I have also developed an obsession with latex clothing lolollolololol. And girdles. Okay I'm going to start on that list. Don't Panic

[Saturday, July 11th, 2009] I thought things were looking up but suddenly I found myself in the deep-end. I'm so sad some days I could barely breathe. I feel like I'm going mad. I wish I knew how to disappear. 1 | Don't Panic

276 [Monday, June 1st, 2009] [ mood | tired ] Hello! I am not dead, please don't remove me, I love you all. I don't know where I am these days! I will do a proper update later. 1 | Don't Panic

275 [Monday, May 4th, 2009] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Cynic - King of those who know ] So I've started longboarding with the longboard my manager Jacob gave me. The thing is so slow and veers off to one side that I want to grab a new board. Of course I'm still lusting after Landyachtz's DH Race. I have been for a few years now to be honest. There are other amazing boards out there like Rayne's Hellcat. But the DH Race will be mine. The board I have now is alright. Does the job. It's got some nice old stickers of pinup girls on the bottom. I love how Jacob gave it to me <3 There's that, and also my co-workers Sam and Kori and I are going to start roller skating and train hard so we can try out for roller derby and join our city's roller derby league, the Terminal City Roller Girls. Sam gave me a pair of old skates with pink wheels. So really, my co-workers gave me a long board and a pair of skates. Who is that lucky?! I'm going to shop for some protective gears this week so I can reaaally get into it. So that's exciting. I gained 5 lbs. Lame. Don't Panic

274 [Thursday, April 23rd, 2009] [ mood | jealous ] I wish I looked like Kim Kardashian hahahahahahah..................D: 6 | Don't Panic

273 [Thursday, March 26th, 2009] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Poitrine - Ninen Möbius ] R.I.P. POITRINE T____T Don't Panic

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